how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
