We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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