Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
