I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Randomize
