This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
how drunk are you?
Several
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
