I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
