Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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