So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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