What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
