My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
you inspire me to be a worse person
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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