last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
