Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
