All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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