We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
