I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
