You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
