I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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