happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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