Your dad touched me again.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
