I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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