It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i believe in u and ur pee
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
