You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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