So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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