I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
