I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
