Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
