I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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