this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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