My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
