make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
