Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
