It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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