Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Randomize
