I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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