i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
