My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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