Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
