I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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