I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
