Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
