areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
