I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
