his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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