we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
