Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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