do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
