Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
