if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
