there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
