Kiss
Puke
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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