Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I still have a little drunk in my system
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize