this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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