Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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