Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
