Will you blow on my dice?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
