the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
