I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
