I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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